Recipe For Bachelor’s Fruitcake

INGREDIENTS

• 1 cup water
• 1 cup sugar
• 4 large eggs
• 2 cups dried fruit
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 1 cup nuts
• lemon juice
• 1 gallon whiskey

METHOD

Sample whiskey to check for quality. Take large bowl. Check whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 tsp sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two legs and add to the bowl. Chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares. Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turners. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.